16th September 2015
You become your emotions
Since moving to Guilin I have not thought once that it was a mistake. I look back on my time in Shanghai as it was, not as my ego wanted it to be depending on how I interacted with the circumstances of my life at that moment.
Peeling back the layers I remember my time in Shanghai as it was and I appreciate every moment I had there because…
Amazing friendships were made with people from all over the world and even though we don’t live in the same city and in some circumstances the same country any more nothing has changed within our relationships.
Travel happened both in China and the rest of Asia and experiences were had that left me joyful and in awe.
Food was eaten. Lots of it. From all around the world. Sometimes alone, sometimes quickly, sometimes with colleagues, sometimes in silence, sometimes with friends but always eaten gratefully.
Teaching, it turns out, is my passion. It took time to know that this is my purpose but here I am and I will always remain a teacher.
My CV now shows ‘PGCE – University of Sunderland’ under qualifications.
Jazzy entered my life and scratched and moulted over everything in it but made it up with endless cuddles.
Touching my toes at the gym was finally achieved and so much more was gained as my yoga practice developed and evolved into my lifestyle of choice.
So much happened in Shanghai, it’s true, so much did happen for both the good and the not so good. And for those who I have complained to in the past about Shanghai, please don’t think that was all there was to Shanghai. There was so much good.
Last week I doubted myself. I doubted my move to Guilin.
‘Why are you here?’
‘What are you doing?’
‘This isn’t what you want to do?’
‘What are you waiting for?’
‘You’re wasting your time!’
‘Go somewhere else.’
‘Do something else.’
“Why does the ego play roles? Because of one unexamined assumption, one fundamental error, one unconscious thought. That thought is: I am not enough.”
A New Earth
वृत्ति सारूप्यमितरत्र ॥४॥
Vritti sārūpyam itaratra
At other times the seer identifies with the modifications
You become your emotions
Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras
So peeling back the layers I can now enjoy my time in Guilin and appreciate the reality of where I am because I know I am enough.
Friendships take time and are an investment and the older I get the pickier I become, I take less rubbish from people and if I don’t feel proud to call them a friend I won’t. Why invite someone into your life for the sake of having a ‘friend’? Friendships will be made when the time is right, it’s having faith that this will happen that’s harder to accept.
Exploring the neighbourhood still brings the same excitement as going to a new country. Things and people are not carbon copies of each other. Going to another country doesn’t make someone better or better versed than someone else. What you do with your time is what is important. There is a difference to look at something and to see something. Sometimes the reality is hard to see, hard to accept but it is what it is.
Food is being eaten. Food is also being cooked. Experiments in the kitchen are happening, some more successful than others truth be told. Food is bought locally from local farmers (for the most part) and cooked with love and gratitude. People work so hard here to grow the food I eat (Guilin is traditionally a farming town but relies heavily on tourism and tourist dollars) and they sit in all weathers (today is chucking it down and they are there) selling their food to provide for their family.
Conversations are still being had. Getting to know you ones, I have never heard of that before ones, ummmmmmm 我不知道 (I don’t know) ones, ‘but why???’ ones but not one has happened that has led to regret.
Teaching is still my passion and while my current circumstances won’t change the world, I can have an impact. My G2’s read and comprehended an English book all by themselves last week in our reading lesson. I was a proud Mumma, sadly their English level isn’t high enough to understand my praises so huge smiles and Dojo points all round were a feasible reward.
My CV will soon show ‘MA Development Management – Open University’ under qualifications as well as ‘Positive Psychology’ under vocational qualifications. Strengthening my brain muscle is not something I have enjoyed too much in the past but when it is being strengthened with something I am passionate about, it is becoming some what easier.
Jazzy is still in my life and still scratching and moulting over everything and the cuddles are still coming. Currently she is in love with a pink cardboard bag & has made it into her fort where she regularly carries out skirmish attacks on unsuspecting feet that are too close to her territory.
Touching my toes is still happening and a whole lot more. More importantly my yoga practice is what stopped the doubting. It helped me to stop associating with the ego and the fluctuations of my mind and appreciating the present. I may not be where I want to be right now but I know I am where I need to be and I am on the right path that will lead me to where I want to be.
Things take time.
So when you doubt yourself, and it will happen, calm the mind, detach from the ego, breathe.
Be mindful of the present.
Be mindful of what you have achieved.
Be mindful of what you are going to achieve.
Know you are enough.
When we experience positive emotions are view of the world becomes broader and our awareness expands.
Don’t be the victim of doubt.
Don’t play the role the self (ego) wants you to play.
“When you don’t play role, it means there is no self (ego) in what you do. There is no secondary agenda: protection or strengthening of your self and as a result, your actions have far greater power. You are totally focused on the situation. You become one with it.”
A New Earth